Saturday, January 30, 2010

Who Do I Look Like?

This is me.

Take one camera, three tons of eye shadow, half a cup of hair spray, a corset, a necklace purchased at the ren faire, and add a healthy dose of Photoshop.

And there you have it. Me.

Can I be really honest? I stare at this picture. I could gaze at her lips all day. But when I look away from her lips I get drawn into her eyelashes. This woman is beautiful. This woman is hot. This woman has absolutely no idea how special she is.

That's why she's looking down, after all, and not into the camera. Because sometimes she thinks she's more beautiful when she's someone else.

This woman has flawless skin. This woman's nose is not too big. This woman has perfect hair and is not a single pound overweight.


This is also me.

Notice again the skin, the lips, the eyes? This woman is strong. She faces her llife and does not let it stare her down. She is vibrant, and powerful. Hot when she needs to be hot and cold as ice when necessary.

Me again.

Scared. Alone. Yet somehow, still very present.

Perhaps you recognize this one.

Childlike, naiive, innocent, yet her eyes hold a shadow of something.

Is this getting closer to the real me?

Does a Photoshopped image reflect who we are?

Does a retouched picture, with no acne, fewer chins, no crow's feet, and a generous filter really show who we are?

Does it say anything that I did the photoshopping myself?

Who am I?

Who do I wish I were?

Certainly not who I see in the mirror most days.

But if you are into the Doppleganger craze on Facebook you'll know why I was looking to see what celebrity I look most like. It is disheartening, especially when I see the gorgeous celebs that my friends actually do look like. I mean really, I've only got like one option.

Depressing, isn't it?

So I choose not to participate in Doppleganger week... at least not until I get up the nerve to put up the picture I really want to.

Yes, they are fabulous. Just try to look away.

But until then, I will look back to who I was when I didn't realize that anybody was looking, and I'll see that I was perhaps the most beautiful then.



And, maybe someday, young women will start doing Google searches for me, for their own Doppleganger searches. Because I will be able to show the world that any size, any weight, can be dead sexy, if you believe in yourself.

You don't even have to Photoshop it at all.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Fictionary Friday - Translate

So here are the rules. I will post a word and its definition. It will be a real word, and its real definition. But then I will create a fictionary definition for the same word, and invite you to do the same. Sound good? Good. Here we go:

Dictionary Definition:
Translate v. To explain in terms that can be more easily understood; interpret.

Fictionary Definition:
Translate adj. A world-traveller who has managed to be late for multiple engagements on multiple continents; habitual, widespread lateness.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Won't You Stop Being... My Neighbor?


I've just done something decidedly unfriendly.

Yes, That's right. I have unfriended someone on Facebook.

I'm kind of in this guilt stage about it now. I mean, it's not like he got a big message saying "Dude, you suck, and Janet doesn't want to be your friend any more." But still, at some point I know he's going to come looking for my profile. Especially because we had been in the middle of a back-and-forth on both my status and a link I posted.

Here's the deal. This person, let's call him Martin, is one of those very opinionated people. Very opinionated, very outspoken, and not always tactful.

And he's a Christian.

He used to go to my church so of course I became friends with him on Facebook, and sometimes he would write comments that made me cringe just a little, but then other times he was just a normal person with whom I was friends on Facebook.

Sometimes when I was done cringing at something that Martin had wrote on my wall or as a comment, I would wonder why I was still friends with him. And then I would remind myself that I don't like to be flippant about my friends list on Facebook (I don't) and so why bother removing him if he wasn't a big huge headache?

A month or two ago, however, a mutual Facebook friend made a mention about how she had had to really look hard at her list of Facebook friends, and make some tough decisions. Now, she didn't get any more specific than that and far be it from me to assume, but I really just got this feeling that she was talking, to some extent, about her Facebook friendship with Martin. But, as I was not certain and again he wasn't being a big headache, I decided to leave well enough alone.

Until tonight. (Yesterday/last Wednesday/two months ago... whatever time words work best for you as you're reading this).

Tonight Martin made a comment on both a link I'd posted, and a status update of mine. Both comments were probably the third or fourth in a string that had other, non-mutual friends' comments, and both were highly opinionated. One of them seemed, to me, to be a very poor example of how a Christian should express themselves. (Especially because it was on a link to an article responding to a Christian who had expressed himself badly in the press and thus gave Christians a bad name, again. Irony? Methinks.)

I attempted, in each string, to reign him in. Neither attempt worked. I thought about unfriending him, then decided that I should be more patient and try again to help him see how what he was saying was not constructive. That didn't work either (honestly it could have been a failing on my end as well).

But after the third comment on each string, I realized that should any of the first few people (people who either aren't Christian or don't know Martin) actually look back to see who commented after them, they might be terribly, horribly offended.

Suddenly I felt a headache forming.

I had to weigh my options. What was more important--showing the love of God to Martin by allowing him to continue commenting and attempting to show him the callousness that his words showed towards people with whom he disagreed? Or protecting the friendships of these other people who commented quite benignly on my posts, people who probably know I'm a Christian and who might get the impression that I somehow condone these harsh statements of Martin's?

So I deleted Martin's comments, my responses, and then with a heavy heart, I unfriended him.

I debated whether I should message or email him to tell him what I was doing and why. And I remembered that this mutual friend of ours must have been including him in her friend decision-making, because he actually asked me at one point to convey a message to her because he had "somehow lost his connection with her during one of the Facebook updates."

If only that had been the case.

So I didn't say anything, because I realized that if other people have felt the need to move on, then maybe I could feel the freedom to do so as well. And I couldn't find a polite way to say "I don't want to try to deal with how you write, even when you try to explain yourself afterwards, because you still sound just as ignorant as you did the first time, and please dear Lord please don't write back to this because I don't want to get into an argument about why we should or should not remain friends on Facebook."

I mean, really. How do you say that?

But I still feel like crap. I just unfriended someone I've known for years. But you know what, when he put those words out there, he opened himself up to people reading them and judging him, and not only judging him but judging me, and judging "Christians." Not that I need to pussy-foot around non-Christians, but I just couldn't see how allowing someone to have hateful words on my Facebook page would be a light for any of the non-Christians with whom I'm friends.

I tried to use this as an opportunity to grow in my abilities to deal with difficult people, but I believe that a public forum is just not the place I want to hash this out (for the abovementioned reasons.) So, he is no longer my friend, in Facebook, and likely in life, once he figures out what happened. Not that I won't be open to taking him back at some point, but I will have to be careful about it.

When it all comes down to it, I think the status update I posted after unfriending Martin really does sum up the situation best:

Janet is sad when people fling words like excrement. Sometimes you can try to avoid it, or try to see it as fertilizer for growth, but sometimes you just have to step out of it, and move on.

~

Post Script: In the time it took to write this post, he figured out that I unfriended him. Perhaps I would have done better to wait until he was no longer online. And now he has sent me a message asking what he said to prompt this.

What should I say? Or should I even respond at all? Have you ever been in this situation?

Advice is very much appreciated... I'm swimming in murky waters here!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wit & Wisdom Wednesday

Time for Wit & Wisdom Wednesday, where I post a quote from a well-known (or not so well-known) person. Please feel free to comment with quotes that have touched your soul.

~

"If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be."

~ John Heywood ~

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Smell Me, I'm Sexy!


This is not me.

But maybe one day it will be.

Except I will have more curves.


Yeah, now we're talkin'.

But this post isn't about pictures (although I could quite easily make it about the very very very interesting pictures that come up when you do a Google Images search for "Woman working out" and "Curvy Woman."

But that's beside the point.

The point.

The point is this: I smell damn sexy when I work out.

You read that right. I swore.

Oh, you were more shocked at the rest of the sentence.

Well, it's true. When I'm stuck outside in 97-degree humidity helping a friend move, I do not smell good. But somehow, after an hour of cardio-crazy Zumba, I smell amazingly good. And it's this weird thing because it kicks in at a certain point in the workout, because I'll be sweaty, sweaty, whatever, and then all of a sudden in the middle of a song I'll be like "Ahhh, there it is. Now I'm sexy."

I kid you not. I don't like the smell of my sweat when I'm helping a friend move in eleventy-five degrees. But there's something about the odor that wafts off my toning muscles or something--it just smells... good. (Of course people will prefer the smell of their own pee over the smell of others' so I'm sure it's not saying much to think my sweat smells good--who actually signs up for an experiement where you have to smell pee, anyway? But even a couple of days later my workout clothes don't smell musty and gross. They smell like sexy sweat.)

I mentioned this to some friends, who are now officially a part of my in-crowd, because a) they didn't look at me like I'm crazy and b) I can never let them get mad at me and spread this nonsense I say to other people.

One of them actually did say that it could be my pheremones. And then she patted me on the head and backed slowly out of the building.

But I think she's right. I mean, you see someone working out, and they look all slick and yummy, and if you go up to them sometimes they smell like two-week-old underwear, but sometimes they don't. I think it's all about the pheremones.

Or the endorphins. To quote a movie I should never tell people I actually like this much: “Exercise gives you endorphins--endorphins make people happy and happy people just don't shoot their husbands... they just don't.” (10 points if you know the movie)

So, if you think of it that way, maybe it's my endorphins leaking out. Because Zumba sure does make me happy, even when it's totally kicking my butt. And happiness is sexy. (Maybe this is God's way of making me feel better about the fact that I have to work out to lose weight, as opposed to "pass out" or "eat out" or "peace out" which are three things I'd normally rather be doing)

I like thinking of it that way. Next time I get on the bus after Zumba I'm not going to feel bad about being sweaty and gross. If anyone looks like they notice, I'm just gonna go right up to them and say:

That's not sweat you smell, it's happiness. And you look like you could use some.

So take a big whiff.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Be My Guest Monday! White Elephant Gifts and AFTER Holiday Holiday Parties



Alright everyone, wecome back to Be My Guest Monday! If you're interested in being a guest blogger, please click on that super cool link.

Today I've got such a great guest blogger. Carissa over at GoodNCrazy taught me everything I know about avoiding the dreaded (No-ReplyComment@Blogger.com) problem. As someone who prefers to respond to comments via email, Carissa's "Dear No-Reply Blogger" post helped me to share the knowledge with my readers too. (if you haven't done this yet, please do!) She's also got tons and tons of amazing blog advice--you really must check her out! After you read this post, of course. And now I give you a chuckle with Carissa and...


The Best White Elephant Gift Ever!
And Why AFTER Holiday-Holiday Parties Rock.

Goldfish ANDY Best White Elephant Gift

goodncrazy blue dots
My husband's holiday work party got postponed. And then cancelled. And honestly no one was sad. There was already too much going on with piano recitals, school plays, cookie exchanges and decorating the dang tree! Don't get me wrong I love Christmas-time and I love the hubbub too... but at some point in order it retain some semblance of sanity... you gotta pick and choose the items on your Holiday To-Do list...
That party re-scheduled itself for this past weekend. And it was so much fun. And pleasant, and I didn't feel rushed or like I was overdrawn on my babysitting account from asking friends to watch my kids too much!

They still held it as a White Elephant Gift Exchange, and the home where it was held still had Christmas decorations up... I have officially decided THIS is the way to do it. Plan each year to hold a few events AFTER New Year's. What's wrong with the piano recital being scheduled for the 2nd week in January? I'm still happy to hear my 9yrold's rendition of Angel's We Have Heard On High! And like I'm not gonna be thrilled to eat cookies in January, same as December? Hello.

What did we bring home?
Seriously. I think the best white elephant gift ever:
A Goldfish! Complete with $2 plastic bowl, food and green vinyl tree. I was the last one to choose a gift; I happily stole that fish. It had already been dubbed "Andy" by the attendees, and passed around a few times. So there you have it. Our children have a new pet goldfish: please meet ANDY.

goodncrazy blue dots

GREAT Ideas for the Best White Elephant Gifts:
You have to plan ahead for some of them so don't forget!

  • Toilet Seat
  • Enema
  • A Giant Stalk of brussel sprouts. (who knew they grow that way??)
  • A Moo Moo
  • Date Night Kit: Barry White CD, duct tape, and Nickelodeon Slime
  • Dancing Cowboy Santa
  • A Sacrificial Sock
  • Fruit Cake
  • A Box of SOS Pads: (and if there's a $ limit, tuck the cash inside to surprise!)
  • Rattlesnake meat in a can
  • Pogo Stick
  • Blown Up Photo of Self (autographed of course!)
  • Paparazzi Starter Kit: disposable camera, and copies of teen beat magazine preferably with Robert Pattinson on the cover
  • A Giant Box full of hotel toiletries: soaps, mini shampoos and lotions
  • Ugly Lingerie or Loud Gaudy Pajamas
  • Bottled Peach Pits: plan ahead, and when bottling peaches, fill one with only the pits!
  • Goofy Phones: Antlers Glued On or Pink and Furry
  • Used Appliances: Like an old dish disposal
  • Cassette Tapes of Donnie And Marie
  • Live Animals: Like a Goldfish, or Guinea Pig
  • Old Spice
  • Fedora Hat: from Ross or other discount store
  • Loud Annoying Toddler Toys
  • Hello Kitty ANYthing
  • Bad Home Decor: think plastic light up flowers
  • Toilet Seat Warmer (They really make these??)
Come on.. I know you have great ideas too.
What's the Best/Worst/Funniest White Elephant Gift you've ever seen?
~~~~~~~
Carissa Rogers goodncrazy
Carissa Rogers of GoodNCrazy.com
Find her on twitter as @CarissaRogers

"In my former life I was a molecular biologist. In my current life I am the chief researcher of bloggy html, parenting dos (and some don'ts), new recipes and for spice I pretend to be a photographer...I started blogging in February of 2008. I love the bloggy world where I share and connect with thousands of people about the happy, the sad, the rotten, and the silly! I have 3 crazy kids and one good husband. I hope to connect with you too!"

Saturday, January 23, 2010

I'm a Singin' Fool



Ok, I'll admit it:

I like show tunes.

You may now stop following me.


No wait... please don't go! I'm cool, really! (although anyone who tries to convince other people that they're cool are, of course not cool.) So, um. Yeah.

Shoot.

Now I've gone and done it. I've lost you forever because I'm a show-tunes-loving fool.


Ok, ok, I know you're still there. Why do I know? Because you're still reading this! And if you're still reading this, than you're either A) very nice/forgiving; B) interested in where this post is going almost against your better judgement; or C) secretly (or not so secretly) a show-tunes-loving fool too.


Well?


Which one is it?


Please tell me I'm not alone.

I'll tell you my favorite if you tell me yours.

Here's a clue:



Yes, one of my favorites is "On My Own", from Les Mis. Of course, I really adore a whole bunch of Andrew Lloyd Webber's music.

So really, now that I've gotten that little secret off my chest (and I feel much better, it is nice to be honest with you)... what's your favorite?

Because I know you wouldn't have read this far if you didn't have one. :)