5 Things You Need To Know About Having Your Gallbladder Removed

"Well, young lady," the doctor said, giving his head a slight shake (the better to send his luxurious hair cascading over his left temple) "You’re in fine physical health, you're absolutely gorgeous, and I think you and I would make beautiful children together. Let's get married."

Yeah.

What he really said was "You need to have your gallbladder out." (And he didn't quite look as good as Dr. McDreamy)

Woo. Hoo.

By the way, the next time you catch yourself thinking "Man, I would give anything to get a full week off of work this year," be careful that God doesn't hear you or he might just say "Ok, how about an internal organ?"

Really honestly, however, I think this is the best thing that could have happened to me. I needed to have the gallbladder out, and I really really really needed some time to rest and recharge.

Something I realized as I went through the process (and I'm fine now, thanks for asking!) is that there are things that you might not know will happen when you go to get your gallbladder removed. Or for most any surgery, in fact. So I thought I would share these things, in case it helps you:

1. Don't pee before you get there. 

I repeat. Do. Not. Pee. They will ask you to pee in a cup so they can check something. Maybe it's a quick pregnancy test, I don't know. All I know is I signed in, used the bathroom, got called right away to go to a room to get prepped, and was given a cup. And what kills me is the woman who signed me in told me where the bathroom was when I asked. She could've said "you know, you're gonna have to pee in a cup in like 10 minutes." Oh, and don't forget no food or water after midnight, so squeezing out a few more drops (and getting them into the cup) when you've pretty well peed out your last bit of liquid is not that easy!

2. Shave your legs. 

Unless you don't care if people see/touch your legs when they're all stubbly. Because they will put these amazing wonderful plug-in wraps on your legs that will keep your blood flowing and feels like a wonderful little massage every few minutes. Which, of course, means that they will be touching your legs! So be forewarned. (Besides, you soooo won't want to take a shower or shave for a few days after the surgery anyway, so you may as well start fresh.)

3. Have your driver on call all day. 

I was told that I would be out of there by 3pm at the latest after my 9:45am surgery. Right. First off, they didn't even start the surgery until 11am (which is crazy, since I was only the 2nd surgery of the day) Then, if you have any sort of nausea afterwards, they will give you medication that will knock you out again. I didn't leave until 6:30pm! Thank goodness my mom, who was coming from 45 minutes away, stayed at home until about 5:30 and then just took it upon herself to start driving in, so she actually got there right as I was getting dressed to leave. But seriously, if she'd come in at 3pm like I'd been told, she'd have been b.o.r.e.d.

4. Find a doctor who has more fun in the surgery than the office. 

Ok that may sound weird, but my doctor seemed a bit abrupt and not in the best of moods when I first met him in the office. But when he walked in before the surgery, he was like a whole new person. He practically bounced in, gave me a big smile, stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles and said "Ok, we've warmed up on one, now we're ready for you. let's do this!" and I suddenly realized here is a surgeon who really enjoys his job. I like the idea of a doctor who is excited about doing a good surgery cutting me open, not just some guy who can be personable in the office but may or may not get jazzed up about removing organs. As long as you know he's professional, take the first guy!

5. Do NOT make a post-surgery to-do list. 

I don't care what you think you're going to be able to do. You most likely will not be able to or interested in doing it. Now I know there are some people who are more stubborn than me, or who may feel the pressure to be constantly "productive" out there, so if you manage to sort your entire photo collection 2 days after a surgery, well then good for you. But as for me, all I know is that in 12 days I didn't do a single thing besides re-read the Harry Potter collection. Now, that's no small shakes given that all 7 books must be at least 3,000 pages. But seriously, I did nothing else. I slept, I watched some TV, I slept some more, and I read. That's it. And you know what? I'm glad. Because by the end of my time off, I was rested, relaxed, and rejuvenated. I'm not quite yet back up to 100%, but I think having the time off (and the gallbladder removed) was exactly what I needed to take a big step towards a more healthy lifestyle. Booyah.

Why You Should Have Your Gallbladder Removed, And Seven Other Funny Things That Happened To Me This Week

So ok, when you go to bed with a sharp ache (incongruous, I know) right below your ribcage, and wake up with said sharp ache feeling like an alien is using a pickaxe in an attempt to burst out of your torso, you might want to consider the fact that you've got gallstones. Or aliens…

But in all seriousness, gallstone attacks are horrific. I've never had a baby so I can't compare the level of pain, but even if you're having quadruplets, you're generally going to have them over a rather short, prescribed period of time, generally not more than 3 days, not one every few days over the course of a month or so (thank God!). But there is nothing quite so heinous as an affliction that will show up this night but not that night, and possibly two nights in a row, and when Wikipedia (which is always right) says that the attacks can last as little as 30 minutes, you just want to find out who in the world wrote that, find their home address, and implant an alien into their stomach to see if it really only takes 30 minutes for it to pry its way out (and did I mention it's not a particularly sharp pickaxe, and it's pretty tight in there so there isn't much room to get leverage, so it's a loooooong process).

I would say that wasn't typed with any bitterness, but I was told that lying is wrong. :)

I think you get the point though, eh? If you or someone you know starts having pains like that, even if they're not that strong, go see a doctor!!!! Especially if you realize it happens at night after you've eaten something particularly greasy or fatty that day. Please, for me, go get it checked out. And if the doctor tells you to have your gallbladder taken out, well, I would strongly suggest you do. Of course, I'm still 2 weeks away from my surgery date so I'll tell you how it goes afterwards, but yeah... I'm all about getting it done. The only reason I've waited so long once I saw the doctor is because I've been trying to organize my work life so I don't leave my department unprepared, and I'm helping to organize my church's women's retreat the weekend prior.

But I will have you know, you truly must be careful. The cause for the pain in your gallbladder is not the existence of gallstones--lots of people have gallstones but no pain. The cause for the pain is when a gallstone gets caught in the opening of the gallbladder and blocks the passage of the bile which your gallbladder stores. But--but the danger is if that little gallstone gets out. If it gets out, it will (not might, will) get stuck in your bile duct, and that will mean agonizing pain (as if you haven't already been experiencing pain), jaundice, vomiting, and the possibility of death. Wait, what? Ok, the death part doesn't exactly happen a lot. A gallbladder removal is very routine. What makes it not routine is when the gallstone gets out, generally because someone attempted to gut it out and not go to the doctor right away. So please, please don't let that happen to you. If you think two weeks of recovery time for a laproscopic surgery is bad/annoying, try two months of down time because the doctors had to cut into your body through all the skin and muscles and open you up and then search--search!--for the rogue stone.

Now ok, I didn't mean to gross anyone out, or freak them out for that matter. That is why I didn't put an actual picture of gallstones at the beginning of my post (I know you were wondering). So in an attempt to lighten the mood, here is a list of funny things that happened to me in the last week. Ok, they may or may not be funny. I mean, I haven't written them yet, so I don't really know. So feel free to laugh, or not. I mean, it's not like I'm watching you read this (or am I? ooOOOOOooooo....)

Seven Funny Things That Happened To Me This Week:

1. Yesterday a guy on the train touched my boob. Ok I say this was funny because I don't know if it happened on purpose or not. The train was fairly crowded, so I was kinda standing in a way that if we'd been dating, I could have leaned back into his chest, and he could have wrapped his free arm around me tenderly and it would have been lovely. (and by "free arm" I mean his left arm was holding onto the same post I was holding onto with my left arm, for balance). After about 3 stops I exchanged hands, so his left hand was holding the post and my right hand was holding it, and I had a bag in my left hand, so when the train stopped and he moved his arm, his thumb totally grazed my boob. Ironically I'd just been standing there, studiously avoiding looking at him, 'cause I had just been thinking "Wow, his hand is close to my boob. I wonder if he would--oh, and yes, yes he would."

2. I found vegetables in my fridge. Last weekend I had a Silpada Jewelry party. (Super fun, I'm so excited for my new bracelet!) And what does one serve at a party? Veggies and dip, of course! Well I was so far behind in getting ready that my first guest arrived before I'd had a chance to do the food. I was, however, beautifully made-up and coiffed. I did make sure to get *that* done. But anyway, my friend offered to cut the veggies, which I gratefully accepted, and let her have at it. And then today I moved the orange juice and voila--green peppers I'd forgotten I'd bought!

3. I watched The Big Bang Theory. Ok, that's not really something funny that happened so much as it was a funny show that I watched. I love that show. Like really, really love. Like, I actually try to leave work on time to make sure I'm home by 7pm so I can watch it. Love it. You should all watch it. Go buy the first 3 seasons right now, in fact. Go on, I'll wait. la la la...

4. I had a book renamed just for me by the author. (Again, not "funny" per se, but dude, this is awesome...) Last year I went to a Matthew West concert right before Christmas. He had written a book called "Give This Christmas Away." I told my sister to buy it for me and it would be her Christmas present to me. Hooray, right? So the book is cd-shaped, which is quite appropriate given the musical nature of Matthew's job (he's a Christian musician if you don't know--and if you aren't familiar, go buy his new record right now!!!) So on Christmas day 2009, I get handed the present from my sister, and it's cd-shaped and I'm like "Oh my, I wonder what this could be, tee hee..." and she's like "I don't know, haha" and I open it, and it's a CD. Um, what? What? It was a mystery. What happened?? Well, this week the mystery was solved. The book had been placed in the glove compartment of the car, where it lived happily for 10 months. My stepdad, who wraps all the presents, didn't know about the book, so he put my sister's name on a CD they'd bought for me. Then two weeks ago they found the book. And gave it to me the night of a CD release party/concert for Matthew's new CD. So what did I do? I put it in my purse. And brought it to the concert. And gave it to Matthew to sign, while telling him the story. One of his opening acts joked "ha, so it's really give LAST Christmas away!" And we all laughed and Matthew crossed out "this" on the cover with his Sharpie, and wrote "Last" above it. So now I have my very own personalized copy of his book.

5. Dude, I've already written a lot. Who said this had to be seven? Um... I'm sure I've got at least one more. Hang on...

6. I heard a funny blonde joke this week, one I hadn't heard before. Here it is: A blonde called her boyrfriend and said "honey I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle and it's just too hard. Can you come over and help me?" The boyfriend didn't know she owned any puzzles, so he asked her to describe it. "Well, all the pieces are just so hard to put together, and there's thousands of them! And the box has a picture of a rooster on it, but I just can't figure it out." So the boyfriend goes over to her house. He walks into the room, looks at the table, then sighs, and takes his girlfriend's hand. "You know what, honey," he said. "Let's go buy you another puzzle. And when we get back, we'll put the cornflakes away."

7. Here's something funny--I decided to write seven funny things that happened to me this week, and then I realized how long this blog post already was.

So then I stopped.